What a craving

Reader beware, had a major craving today, need to write it down. Don’t read this it’s gonna be blunt and to use a chem-sex euphemism- “to the point”

Driving home tonight my mind started to wander, I began to fantasise that when I got home I would find drugs, there’d be a needle on the table waiting for me. My mind started to fill with images, tying of my arm, plumping up the vein and sliding the needle in. I wanted that rush, I could feel the meth hit my brain, it was like I’d really slammed. I could feel the warmth sweep through my body, I could feel my skin tingle.

I wanted to get that feeling I would get when I couldn’t get my clothes off fast enough, the sensation of my hands on my body, touching myself, of another mans hands on my naked body, my hands on his, fascinated by his body, wanting him more than I’d ever wanted a man. Thats what meth did to me, it turned me into a sexual animal, desperate for it. In that craving, those feelings all became heightened again, came flooding back, it all felt so real.

What a fucking craving, it came from nowhere, out of nothing. I’m not sure how I feel right now, do I feel like it was a warning not to be complacent, or was it a temptation, an invitation to feel good again ? Why can’t I just do it once, why can’t I just let go and enjoy it like I used to ? Deep down I know the answer, I can’t, I just can’t.

I know other people fall off the wagon and then get back on again, I know that’s not what would happen for me. I know people can enjoy drugs “recreationally”, but I know I can’t. I know people can have sex without the use of drugs, I also know I don’t think I will ever be able to do that again.

I do know that if I do choose to try it one more time then the paranoia will be overwhelming, I also know that my mental health is now so fragile that I would most likely end up being suicidal again. Meth has a huge effect on you mentally, it’s psychological effects can not be overstated.

I would love to slam a .5, drink a good shot of G, and maybe a line or two of K. One substance always leads to another, always needed that little extra edge.

If you’re life has drugs in it, please just think, stop and think. Think about the minute details of what the drugs stops you doing, what it makes you do. The excuses you have in your head are all lies, and they’re lies that will eventually become lies you tell to others.


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