Tonight I went to the addiction recovery support group that I joined some months back. It wasn’t an easy meeting, the struggles of others met with my own issues, but as always we supported each other and tried to help where we can.
Sometimes one of us brings and object with us to show the others, something significant and meaningful, we refer to it as our “show and tell”. This week I brought two syringes to the meeting, one being the one I’ve deliberately kept for the last year, the other being the one I found on Monday. Although they probably thought it a strange thing to do, I needed to bring them out into the open.
I hid syringes for ages, it was something so secret, I kept them and my habit to myself. To actually sit there are take them out my pocket, holding them as I spoke was cathartic for me.
I told them about how I felt yesterday, how close I came to relapsing, how powerful my thoughts were. What I struggle to get across is how I know that it would only take once, just one slam and the floodgates will open. There are very specific reasons I stopped using meth, reasons so bad that I can’t share them here, and I can’t share them with my fellow addicts. I’m not even sure I can get it across here in a way that I want to. The things which happened last year will hopefully never happen again, so therefore what would there be to stop me next time ?
I know I’m waffling but I need to keep doing so, I need to keep translating my thoughts into written words, even when I struggle with what I write.