I didn’t go to the group last night, I’ve been working too much this week so was really tired and I’ve not seen B much this week, so needed to stay home. I absolutely hated not being there, I missed them.
Some of them are having a tough time at the moment, struggling with their own demons. Yet they still go to the group, they still offer kind words and support to the others. I still struggle with that, my personal skills are really lacking these days and I find it hard to communicate, difficult to stay in touch.
I don’t know why that is, drugs took me away from friends, not that I ever had many, but my interest was so entirely focussed on getting high and having sex that I think when it all stopped it left a hole and I’ve not yet learnt to build a social life to fill that hole. The guys and girls at the group tell me to text, to call, but I rarely do, it’s one on one interaction that fails me.
I want to do social things, I want to get to know people, I want to be able to support people who need it. When I try I worry I’m too much, saying the wrong things, making things worse, making myself look an idiot. I question everything I do and say.
I guess I also want B and I to have a social life together, but how can I let him meet people who know things about my drug problem that he doesn’t need to know, that I don’t want him to know. I’d really like him to meet some of them, but I’m so nervous of allowing that to happen.
I’d love to do something for them or with them for Christmas, maybe a dinner party with all the Christmas trimmings. I want to do something nice to thank them but the thought scares me. I’d really like some of them to come over and sit and eat with us, to laugh and be merry. I want to decorate the house with Christmas joy and share it with them, play games, pull crackers, just be silly.
I need to make the effort, I can’t expect others to do it for me.