In Cambridge is The Edge Cafe, I’ve been here many times for the support group I attend on Thursday nights. Today I’ve come here on my own for a coffee and a bacon roll, that may not sound like a big thing, but for me it is. I’ve never liked going to places on my own, but these days it really has become a bit of a mountain to climb.
So here I am, sat with my coffee, waiting for my bacon roll to arrive, there’s nobody here I know, but I’m here typing this. I’ve never been at a non-group time before. I am of course sat right near the door, you know, just in case……….in case of what I’m really not sure. It’s strange how different a place can seem compared to what you know (bacon roll arrived), I’m used to coming here and sitting over there in the corner, always somehow hoping the leather sofa will swallow me into its depths. I sit and listen to people sharing part of their lives, their struggles always seem so much more than mine, their cases far more worthy. Then it’s my turn to speak, my head screams at me not to tell the truth, not to be the guy that is always full of self pity, the one who always moans about how shit he feels, but then that’s me, it’s who I am, no matter how much I wish it wasn’t. The people there always encourage me to open up, they offer support, they listen, the mean the world to me.
It’s busy in here, much more than I expected, but then there’s a clothes swap on later, if I’d known I’d have brought some stuff. This is the recovery cafe, but how many here are addicts? Are they watching me type this thinking I’m an addict, do they realise I was once an intravenous drug user? (bugger bacon roll nearly gone). Do they know what meth used to do to me, do they realise I wanted to have sex with every man on the planet, that I was so obsessed by it, sex and needles ruled my life.
It doesn’t really matter if they do, I’m near the door, and I’ve got my headphones on, somehow those two things make it ok. Despite all my blabber, today is a good day, maybe it’s the new tablets kicking in, that initial high I’ve felt before when I start a new one, maybe it’s because it feels like spring, I don’t know but I’m gonna enjoy it while it lasts. I’d love to see a familiar face walk through the door, but I can do this on my own, wow I’m doing this on my own.
This mocha is good, been a while since I’ve had one, it’s yummy, it’s not a shot of meth, but hey you can’t have everything. Now, do I order another, or do I go home?
I didn’t finish writing this because someone from the group arrived and bought me a coffee, a lovely lady. It really made my day, thank you xxx