Still feeling low

I haven’t written for a while, haven’t been on Twitter much, deactivated my Facebook account and then reactivated it, gonna switch it off again.  Not much in the mood for communication, but then I never have been good at that.

Been back to doctors a couple of times, started taking Citalopram again on top of the Mirtazipine, that didn’t help much so he doubled the dose, still waiting to see if it helps.  GP told me if I don’t improve over the next couple of weeks then he will refer me to see a psychiatrist, bit of a daunting thought but I know I need to do something.    I’ve not had any “episodes” like I used to, I’ve not lost control completely, although I have come close once or twice.

Once or twice over the past week I’ve felt those dark thoughts again, the ones that tell me I would be better off if I wasn’t here, I feel like I want to fade away.   I know now that all the shit I carry is never going away, I’ve tried to fight it off, told myself that I can’t change all that happened, I can’t undo any of it, that my life is so much better now, that I’ve come so far, but that’s all just shit, the crap is still there, it will always be there, my life is forever changed and nothing I can do will ever make it better.

I have so many regrets, so many choices I’ve made were the wrong ones, so much shame and guilt.  I really don’t know if I can carry on fighting.

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