Just a warning before I start, don’t read this if you are offended or triggered by talk of sex or drugs. Today I wobbled, today I craved, today I realised I am still an addict, and this is the story I need to write down.
I’m off work this week, lots of time home alone during the day. Monday and Tuesday were fine, but today I found myself on the sofa thinking, and thinking turned to craving. Today I craved meth in my veins and a dick in my arse (I did warn you), that’s the brutal and honest truth. For those that may not know my story, sex became all about drugs, and drugs became all about sex, the two were so tightly intertwined that I don’t think I will ever be able to separate them again.
So was I craving drugs, or was I just horny?, I can’t answer that question. We all get horny, everyone at some point wants sex of some nature, even if it’s just masturbation, sex affects most people to some degree, but I have decided to be celibate, purely because of the drugs, I can’t ever see myself having sex again without being high.
Today I went online to a couple of gay sex websites, I know where to look for chem-sex, it’s easy if you know where to look. I wasn’t messaging anyone, just seeing who was around, the cravings building by the minute. Was I aroused?, yes I was but that arousal was as much about the meth as it was anything else.
I could feel the prick of the needle, I could even feel the sensation of opening the little packet that contains the syringe, the feeling of pulling the orange cap off the needle, everything about the ritual of slamming. I began calculating how I could get away with it, how I could do it tomorrow during the day and cover it all up before my other half got home. I was formulating plans, even down to going and drawing cash out to pay for it, it’s bad form to use someone’s drugs and not pay your share.
I really can’t find the words to explain it, I felt like my whole body was aching for it. I got to the point of someone messaging me and chatting to him, he was quite clear what he was wanting, he wanted to get wasted and fuck, that was what I wanted. I only stopped messaging him because I had to go out, if I’d had another hour I think something would have been arranged.
My problem now is, when I wake up tomorrow morning I know I will be able to message him again, I can arrange something with him. My head is telling me it would just be once, that I can handle it, it would be fun, my head can make up as many excuses as I need to. My head tells me that I can feel that rush again and then I can let go and have amazing sex, my head denies any of the consequences.
My pledge to myself to be celibate could crumble, the problem is I’m not sure it would be a one off, that feeling is so powerful that I think I wouldn’t stop, I wouldn’t be able to. When you pull that needle out of your arm, the rush hits your brain, and you start to have sex, the feeling is so intense, every nerve in your body goes into overdrive, every touch from another man is pure lust.
I’m scared, I’m not sure my willpower is strong enough, I’m terrified that I will give in to that feeling. It’s almost a full year since I last did it, and today I have come closer to relapsing than I ever have before. Today I realised that I’m still an addict, and I think I always will be, I now can’t see those feelings and cravings ever disappearing completely. Today I understand why others who have drug and alcohol problems relapse, sometimes years later.
Tomorrow is gonna be a tough day, possibly even worse than today.