I’m sliding, downwards.

I can feel it, it’s been bubbling somewhere down inside me for a while now. It’s not drugs, neither the cause nor the solution, I know drugs won’t make me feel better, who am I kidding, a shot of meth would make me feel fantastic but then I’d definitely slide right back where I was.

So even without sticking a needle in my arm on a regular basis, my head is beginning to torment me. My thoughts are full of what’s gone before, but also an awful feeling that something terrible is going to happen.

I went to the group last night and tried to act like everything was fine. I even took my paintings to show them all, but I think that was because it’s becoming an obsession again. I get home and I pick up a paintbrush, even as I’m typing this I’m looking at the picture in front of me. My painting is a wonderful therapy but I also recognise it is an obsession for me, it’s compulsive almost, maybe it’s an addiction. I know that probably won’t make any sense to anyone reading this, but it does to me.

I’m not sure what else to write, I don’t want to be writing this shit, I need to stop myself sliding any further and I don’t know how to do that. All I know is I can feel it, I have one word swimming in my head – breakdown. Maybe it’s a self fulfilling prophecy and I should just kick myself in the arse and stop being so dramatic.

One Reply to “Sliding”

  1. Painting may feel like an obsession because it’s the main thing you have right now but it’s a lot healthier than other addictions. Throw yourself into it, every feeling, every emotion, every craving to give in put into your work and keep blogging about it. Admitting you’re struggling with your addiction is more helpful than pretending it’s not there. I always isolate myself when I’m getting closer to slipping because it’s easier than disappointing people but i forget how much I disappoint myself. You’re doing so well and you can get through this xx

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