I’m sliding, downwards.
I can feel it, it’s been bubbling somewhere down inside me for a while now. It’s not drugs, neither the cause nor the solution, I know drugs won’t make me feel better, who am I kidding, a shot of meth would make me feel fantastic but then I’d definitely slide right back where I was.
So even without sticking a needle in my arm on a regular basis, my head is beginning to torment me. My thoughts are full of what’s gone before, but also an awful feeling that something terrible is going to happen.
I went to the group last night and tried to act like everything was fine. I even took my paintings to show them all, but I think that was because it’s becoming an obsession again. I get home and I pick up a paintbrush, even as I’m typing this I’m looking at the picture in front of me. My painting is a wonderful therapy but I also recognise it is an obsession for me, it’s compulsive almost, maybe it’s an addiction. I know that probably won’t make any sense to anyone reading this, but it does to me.
I’m not sure what else to write, I don’t want to be writing this shit, I need to stop myself sliding any further and I don’t know how to do that. All I know is I can feel it, I have one word swimming in my head – breakdown. Maybe it’s a self fulfilling prophecy and I should just kick myself in the arse and stop being so dramatic.