Not much to say to be honest, I just want to write something. I’m home alone, doesn’t happen often these days but sometimes it does.
I spoilt myself for tea and bought KFC, was nice. Since then I’ve been doing some painting, I guess for about five hours now. Been mulling lots of things in my head, nothing extreme, just a jumble of stuff. I keep coming back to where I was this time last year, I can’t get it all out of my head. I keep telling myself that I’m so much better now, my life is very different now.
So why can’t I let the past rest?, why can’t I move on from it? I don’t want to be living in the past but it just haunts me. My past is like a bad smell you just can’t get rid of. I’ve tried my usual trick of having a conversation with myself, I talk to myself out loud. It’s a way I found of bringing myself down when I lose control, I still use it now and mostly it helps but the thoughts come back really quickly at the moment.
I’m much better at covering things up now, whereas I couldn’t hold it in before now I can, I keep it hidden from those around me. My torment has become a very private thing again, I’m not so sure that’s a good thing but it’s a necessity.
Anyway, need to remind myself over and over how things are different now, so very, very, different.