No more

Do you ever have days when you feel like you’ve got nowhere to go?

Right now I’m having dark thoughts, thoughts of going to sleep and not waking up. Nothing will ever be enough to make me right again, there’s nothing on this earth that can make me like myself again.

If I can’t ever live within my own skin, love myself, then nobody else can love me. I feel like everyone around me just tolerates me, maybe pity’s me, the kindness I receive is just to keep me quiet.

I have this terrible sense that something bad is going to happen, that my world is going to crumble down around me again. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I’ve had enough of life’s shit.

Of course I won’t really do anything about it, I never quite did it before, whatever makes me think I might have the fucking guts to do it now.

No I shall carry on through my shit hole of a life, living with my demons, everything good around me I shall either destroy or fail to appreciate properly. I’m done with self pity, I’m done with being scared all the time.

Enough of this bullshit. Why am I even writing this? To get a reaction?, attention seeking?, maybe, or maybe I’m just feeling like fucking crap and needed to write. Maybe I don’t write enough anymore, maybe I need to do this more. Maybe I need to remind myself how it helps my state of mind, maybe I’ve lost sight of that.

I wish I could have a normal life instead of being so fucking self absorbed and withdrawn.