Do you ever have days when you feel like you’ve got nowhere to go?
Right now I’m having dark thoughts, thoughts of going to sleep and not waking up. Nothing will ever be enough to make me right again, there’s nothing on this earth that can make me like myself again.
If I can’t ever live within my own skin, love myself, then nobody else can love me. I feel like everyone around me just tolerates me, maybe pity’s me, the kindness I receive is just to keep me quiet.
I have this terrible sense that something bad is going to happen, that my world is going to crumble down around me again. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I’ve had enough of life’s shit.
Of course I won’t really do anything about it, I never quite did it before, whatever makes me think I might have the fucking guts to do it now.
No I shall carry on through my shit hole of a life, living with my demons, everything good around me I shall either destroy or fail to appreciate properly. I’m done with self pity, I’m done with being scared all the time.
Enough of this bullshit. Why am I even writing this? To get a reaction?, attention seeking?, maybe, or maybe I’m just feeling like fucking crap and needed to write. Maybe I don’t write enough anymore, maybe I need to do this more. Maybe I need to remind myself how it helps my state of mind, maybe I’ve lost sight of that.
I wish I could have a normal life instead of being so fucking self absorbed and withdrawn.
My husband and I have been in deep. It’s difficult to get out but it gets easier every day. It’s nice to meet a fellow survivor, we are few and far between. Good luck to you. Take a look at our story, it would be nice to connect. Let me know what you think…
https://myawakeningonline.wordpress.com/2019/01/07/shooting-up-to-success-my-husband-is-my-hero/
Thank you for the message. Just arrived at Addiction support group so I’ll read your story later xxx
Good luck, well have to talk more later. I’m working on starting my own support group for addiction and mental illness. ttyl 🙂