I spoke

I did it, I went to the group and I spoke so openly about my brushes with suicide. I very nearly didn’t but I felt I was in a safe place and stuff started to come out. The whole room was silent, the lady sat next to me, who I’ve really taken a liking to, held my hand.

I told them how I felt that night when I had a bag full of pills, how calm I was, how good it felt to make that decision, a decision I was happy with. I also told them about having HIV and stopping my medication. I could have gone on much longer, there is far more to my tale than I told, but I think I said enough.

I said that if ever they find themselves in a similar position, they should call someone, anything to put a brake on that feeling. I explained that my life had become so bad, the circle of drug abuse and mental illness, and I told them that even though at the time I saw no future for myself, I’ve come out the other side and no longer want to hurt myself, and it is possible to change.

Of course now my anxiety is telling me I said too much , that I’m too needy, too self absorbed. I’m trying to tell myself that’s not the case, but it’s not what my head is telling me.

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