I’m spending the weekend at a gay men’s retreat, a personal growth weekend. I’ve opened up a little about my problems and have had some great support.
I’ve written a bit on my other blog, and on twitter, about my weekend, but I wanted to write on here about how it’s made me feel with regard to my addiction issues. It’s driven home something for me, made me realise that addiction doesn’t just end because you’ve not used for a few months.
I’ve been going to the support group, talking to my counsellor, trying to tell myself that my addiction is over, it’s now a closed chapter. I’ve questioned why I go to the support group, why do I need to, it’s been six months since I’ve stuck a needle in my arm. I’ve been going to the group because it’s a social thing, I’ve not fully understood my need for it.
Being surrounded by other gay men has stirred thoughts, what’s ifs. What if there were a guy here who uses, I could get wasted and have some amazing sex, then go home and it would just be some fun. These thoughts have no basis in reality, this isn’t a sex weekend, it’s not a knocking shop, so why have I had these thoughts ? The answer to that question is all too clear, it’s because I still have an addiction.
I guess the addiction doesn’t stop when the using ends, the addiction lasts much longer. Crystal meth doesn’t release it’s hold on you that easily, it’s an evil drug that changes you forever. But like I’ve said before, drugs don’t ruin lives, people do.