Although 2017 was the culmination of the effects of my drug use, it was about this time last year that things started to rapidly spiral out of control. Having said that I guess the spiral began way before then, it just accelerated in the second half of last year. Continue reading “Anniversaries”
I’m sat here watching old Top Of The Pops shows from the 80s, 1985 to be precise. Maria Vidal, Midge Ure, Madonna, songs from my childhood that I still love. I could live my entire life on a diet of 80s music.
Music has always invoked very strong memories and emotions for me, some good and some bad. It’s strange though how sometimes my memories can be distorted, music will awaken feelings inside me, memories that simply aren’t true. Continue reading “The 80s”
Today I wanted to get wasted, wankered, off my fucking face, high as a kite. I could feel the drugs hit my brain, could feel that rush. I close my eyes and I see the needle slipping into my arm. Continue reading “Today”
I’m spending the weekend at a gay men’s retreat, a personal growth weekend. I’ve opened up a little about my problems and have had some great support.
I’ve written a bit on my other blog, and on twitter, about my weekend, but I wanted to write on here about how it’s made me feel with regard to my addiction issues. It’s driven home something for me, made me realise that addiction doesn’t just end because you’ve not used for a few months. Continue reading “Gay men’s weekend”
I did it, I went to the group and I spoke so openly about my brushes with suicide. I very nearly didn’t but I felt I was in a safe place and stuff started to come out. The whole room was silent, the lady sat next to me, who I’ve really taken a liking to, held my hand. Continue reading “I spoke”
It’s Thursday which means it’s addiction recovery support group tonight. Tonight instead of saying how my week has been, I’ll be talking about something very different.
Last time I went, somebody spoke about a person taking their own life, there was quite a conversation about it. Not only did it trigger thoughts and emotions for me, but it made me realise just how much people don’t understand suicide. Continue reading “Discussing suicide”
Yesterday I saw someone with bruises on their arm, I’ve had bruises on my arms, lots of them. I spent a whole summer not wearing short sleeve shirts because of the marks. Continue reading “Needle marks”
I don’t really have anything to say today, so why am I even bothering ? Well I guess to remind me that some days I don’t have cravings, some days I may think about a lot of stuff, but not always about drugs or sex.
If I read this back at some point in the future, it can just serve as a reminder that I can go through life without pumping shit into my veins. That in itself makes it worth writing this post.
If you ask Google for the definition of addict, it comes back with
“what is addict: a person who cannot stop doing or using something, especially something harmful”
So I did it, I went, and I managed to get out of my car and actually go in, although that was thanks to a really nice guy who works there, he found me sat in my car and came and spoke to me, so I went in. Continue reading “The Edge Cafe”