I can’t sleep, normally a cocktail of antidepressants and sleeping tablets knock me out by 9pm at the latest but it’s getting late and I’m wide awake. Now that may seem like an awfully early time to be asleep, but as somebody once told me “sleep is like death, but without the responsibility”.
You see, apart from the extremely vivid dreams, and the nightmares that leave the bedclothes soaked with sweat, sleep is to me, the only state where I don’t think, and to not think means to not wish it all to end.
Today in the news is the story of Prince Harry and Meghan stepping back from the life that has been mapped out for them. I envy their ability to make that change, I know envy isn’t an attractive quality, but bare with me. I don’t envy their wealth, or the two homes they will have on two continents, I don’t envy their titles, their nice clothes or private jets. I envy their strength, opportunity, and their ability to make drastic changes to their lives to make them better, abilities that escape me.
If only I had made different decisions when I was younger, different decisions when I was older, but I didn’t, I can’t change that, the decisions I made are in the past, and all I can do is regret them. Harry and Meghan May feel like they are trapped in a gilded cage, but they have the means to make changes to their environment to attempt to correct that. I instead have to live in a life which I don’t want, For various reasons I feel completely trapped, tired of the way my brain perceives my life, the constant pick, pick, pick of you’re not good enough, everything you do is wrong, why didn’t you do that differently. These aren’t just internal thought processes, they are also external triggers, triggers I am unable to escape, the way I am spoken to, they way I am treated. Whether its real or just my over sensitivity, it makes me feel like worthless shit in the worst possible way.
I’ve been thinking a lot about death at the moment, the finality of it. Let’s be honest, there’s no regret, there’s nothing, nothing at all, everything just ends, and that idea has its attractions – going to sleep but without the responsibility of waking up sort of turns things on their head. Is there enough in this life to out-way the bits that that make me feel like this ? I just don’t know.