Are my problems really so bad?

Been feeling down these last few days, have wanted to keep myself to myself, wishing it could just be me, my other half and my dog. We went for a lovely walk yesterday, walked for miles in the countryside, was perfect.

Had to go back to work today after having four days off, struggled to get out of bed, struggled to leave the house. Eventually managed to get in the car and go to work, got myself stressed over nothing as usual.

Today I had a call from a friend, she told me she has a tumour on her brain. Imagine a doctor telling you that, what the fuck do you do?

When these things happen, people always say it makes them think about their own lives, live for today, live like every day is your last, what a load of bullshit. We plod through our lives, most of us working to live, facing each day as we have to, wishing for something more, wishing we could change our lives for the better, but in reality most of us have to make do with what we have.

We don’t all have the security or means to make the changes we would wish for. I wish I could remove the things that stress me, I wish I had the financial security to be able to do voluntary work rather than paid work, I wish I was able to travel more, to see more of the world. I wish I could have a social life, friends who I can spend time with, but I know my social skills are so lacking that I can’t do that anymore.

Instead I have to live with what I have, like everyone else I have to live the life that I’ve been dealt. I make mistakes, I make bad choices, my life isn’t perfect, but it’s my life and I have to live it, I can’t suddenly decide to somehow make it better.

My friend faces an uncertain future, and I know she is strong and can beat that tumour if it’s humanly possible. If nothing more I am reminded that there is always someone worse off than me, my life may be shit, and no maybe I can’t change it, but her problems do put mine in perspective.

Feeling good

I’ve been listening to the sound track to The Greatest Showman, and I’ve just watched it again. Only the second time I’ve watched it after discovering it a couple of days ago. I love the film and especially the music, I’ve written about it before, but I’ll say it again, music can have such a huge impact on my mood.

My choice of listening can lift me up from the darkest depths, or it can plunge me down to the same despair. I’m no music buff, my tastes are fairy varied but in no way highbrow, music snobbery is up there with wine snobbery for me, if you like it, well then you like it. It doesn’t have to be Chopin or The Beatles, I’m afraid I’m quite happy with Bucks Fizz and Abba.

If only I had a button on my phone that stops me from selecting the songs that bring me down, I guess sometimes I need those songs, I don’t know why, they just have their place.

Today I’m singing and dancing with my headphones on, tomorrow may be different, but today music brings me joy.

And yes I’m listening to The Greatest Showman soundtrack now 🙂

Keeping going

I’m not sure if I can keep going.

I’m not sure I want to keep going.

That’s what my head is telling me.

It’s all bullshit, everything is bullshit.

I don’t want to have to keep fighting my demons.

I don’t have the strength to keep fighting my demons.

I have to keep fighting my demons.

I don’t want to live like this.

I don’t want to die.

Maybe everything will just fade away.

Maybe I will fade away.

I want to live.

I don’t want to fade away.

I want spring to come.

I need spring to come.

I just want all the crap in my head to go away.

Maybe if I scream.

Maybe if I shout.

I just want it all to stop.

Still feeling low

I haven’t written for a while, haven’t been on Twitter much, deactivated my Facebook account and then reactivated it, gonna switch it off again.  Not much in the mood for communication, but then I never have been good at that.

Been back to doctors a couple of times, started taking Citalopram again on top of the Mirtazipine, that didn’t help much so he doubled the dose, still waiting to see if it helps.  GP told me if I don’t improve over the next couple of weeks then he will refer me to see a psychiatrist, bit of a daunting thought but I know I need to do something.    I’ve not had any “episodes” like I used to, I’ve not lost control completely, although I have come close once or twice.

Once or twice over the past week I’ve felt those dark thoughts again, the ones that tell me I would be better off if I wasn’t here, I feel like I want to fade away.   I know now that all the shit I carry is never going away, I’ve tried to fight it off, told myself that I can’t change all that happened, I can’t undo any of it, that my life is so much better now, that I’ve come so far, but that’s all just shit, the crap is still there, it will always be there, my life is forever changed and nothing I can do will ever make it better.

I have so many regrets, so many choices I’ve made were the wrong ones, so much shame and guilt.  I really don’t know if I can carry on fighting.

Where am I now?

Twelve months ago today I carried a bag full of pills into a park, I didn’t intend to go home. Today I feel down, yesterday I felt down, and the day before, tomorrow I expect I will feel the same.

I went to my doctor last week and he gave me some new tablets to take, so I now take two types of antidepressant, how depressing.   I’m feeling a little bit like “why am I bothering?”.  The cycle is just gonna keep going around, I’ll feel a bit better, distract myself with whatever, but then I will always come back round to just how much of a balls-up my life is.

I deserve all I get, I have made so many mistakes.  At what point do you have to stop calling them mistakes ?, the choices were mine to make and I made the wrong ones, so are they really mistakes ?   Hopefully now I will stop making bad choices and not fuck up my life any more than I already have.

I do however need to face the consequences of my actions, and I know now that this cycle of depression, and anxiety, is going to continue.  I don’t think there will ever come a point where I will find peace. 

My anxiety is sky high right now, I have so much going on in my head, fear of the past, fear of the future, a sense a dread is still with me all the time right now. I’m stressed about everything, absolutely everything is winding me up, even the smallest things seem huge.

I’m waffling, I know that, but I need to waffle right now. I have such a mess in my head I need to put some of it into words.

I’m not sure where to go from here, part of me wants to go to sleep and just not wake up tomorrow, that would be so much easier. But no, I don’t want to hurt myself, not like before, I’m not putting packets of tablets in a carrier bag or any of the other things I did. I don’t want to get to that point, I’m just scared that point is not so hard to get to.