Author: justscrewedupme

As this week comes to an end, I remember it was this time last year that I stopped using drugs. Things have happened these past two weeks which have made me think, things in my life and the lives of people I care about, things that have helped me put my own current situation into perspective. Continue reading “One year on”

Just once more, that’s all I ask. I just want that feeling one more time. Why can’t I have it, enjoy it, the feeling of the steel sliding into my vein, the feeling of flesh on flesh. Continue reading “Just once more”

Tonight I went to the addiction recovery support group that I joined some months back. It wasn’t an easy meeting, the struggles of others met with my own issues, but as always we supported each other and tried to help where we can. Continue reading “Tonight’s group”

Just a warning before I start, don’t read this if you are offended or triggered by talk of sex or drugs. Today I wobbled, today I craved, today I realised I am still an addict, and this is the story I need to write down. Continue reading “Still an addict”

This week I’m off work, so I’m having to deal with the demons in my head telling me I could use the time alone to get high, get wasted with someone and have some amazing sex. My sensible head is managing to keep my stupid head in check so far, but this afternoon came a wobble. Continue reading “The syringe”

I’m having a week off work, from my main job anyway. B isn’t, it’s just me and the dog staying home for a week. This is the first real time off I’ve had since Christmas, and spookily it’s almost exactly a year since I last had a random week off like this, and that was the week I stuck a needle in my arm for the last time. I hadn’t planned it that way a few weeks back when I booked it off work, it just happened. Continue reading “A week off”

Although 2017 was the culmination of the effects of my drug use, it was about this time last year that things started to rapidly spiral out of control. Having said that I guess the spiral began way before then, it just accelerated in the second half of last year. Continue reading “Anniversaries”

I’m sat here watching old Top Of The Pops shows from the 80s, 1985 to be precise. Maria Vidal, Midge Ure, Madonna, songs from my childhood that I still love. I could live my entire life on a diet of 80s music.

Music has always invoked very strong memories and emotions for me, some good and some bad. It’s strange though how sometimes my memories can be distorted, music will awaken feelings inside me, memories that simply aren’t true. Continue reading “The 80s”

Today I wanted to get wasted, wankered, off my fucking face, high as a kite. I could feel the drugs hit my brain, could feel that rush. I close my eyes and I see the needle slipping into my arm. Continue reading “Today”

I’m spending the weekend at a gay men’s retreat, a personal growth weekend. I’ve opened up a little about my problems and have had some great support.

I’ve written a bit on my other blog, and on twitter, about my weekend, but I wanted to write on here about how it’s made me feel with regard to my addiction issues. It’s driven home something for me, made me realise that addiction doesn’t just end because you’ve not used for a few months. Continue reading “Gay men’s weekend”