If you ask Google for the definition of addict, it comes back with
“what is addict: a person who cannot stop doing or using something, especially something harmful”
Well I definitely qualify if we’re talking nicotine, which I now get through vaping, but it’s not that particular habit forming substance I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of meth. I haven’t taken meth for about five months, so am I actually an addict, or rather am I still an addict ? This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot since going to the addiction support group last week.
I don’t use meth habitually, I don’t use meth full stop. I used to though, meth used to be part of my life, a very big part. However, I have now stopped, so by definition, I am able to stop, so therefore am I no longer an addict ?
But here’s the rub, sometimes I yearn for it, sometimes I imagine the rush it gives. Sometimes I sit and play with the vein in my wrist, that vein I could always hit, the one that often stands out, teasing me, reminding me just how easy it would be. Sometimes I think about the sex I’ve had on meth, and other drugs, I’m reminded of how good it felt, how easily I could feel like that again.
Sometimes I can see the flash of blood in the syringe, the ritual of slamming, I can feel the amount of pressure needed to push the plunger down, I imagine the whole process of pumping that shit into my vein.
Sometimes I just fucking want it !
Would that feeling be so very strong if it wasn’t an addiction?, no of course it wouldn’t.
Okay, so am I a “recovering” addict? – see point one, I’m not using so therefore I’m not longer an addict – right ? I guess it boils down to the difference between the words addiction and addict, or at least my perception of the difference. An addict is someone who uses a substance and can’t stop, whereas an addiction is the need or desire to use a substance. However I write that sentence it doesn’t seem to carry the weight I’m looking for, let’s try……
Having an addiction doesn’t make you an addict, but you become an addict if you give in to that addiction.
One final thing, just in case anyone wonders, does writing about meth make me want it?, can I feel that need inside me right now?, the answer is a very simple yes.
I may not be an “addict” anymore, but meth still has a grip on me, and I imagine that can only be described as an addiction.