So what to write about today ? Well nothing really, I just want to write, just because I can. Today is just another day, it’s nothing special, there are no dramas, no highs or lows, it’s just another day, just another Monday.
I can write because today my body is free of drugs, my body is sober, my body is clean. I’m not on a comedown, I’m not fighting suicidal thoughts, nor am I seeing people who aren’t there; the shadow people have left me. I look at my arms and there are no track marks, no bruises, no bumps from missed slams.
The flip side is I didn’t have an amazing binge of sex and drugs yesterday, or the day before that, not even the week or month before, I haven’t even done that once this year. I shall eat tonight, I will go to bed tonight and sleep, I won’t spend the whole night awake and wasted, then I will wake up tomorrow and face another day.
What is my life like now, how is my life without the drugs ? Is my life emptier ? Has my life gotten so much worse because I don’t pick up a syringe anymore ?, no it hasn’t. Although I tried to stop so many times, I really couldn’t imagine my life without drugs, I needed the rush, I needed the confidence, I needed the sex. Drugs tell you all those things, that you can’t live without them, the feeling that you just can’t say no; the need to always have more, I know that need, it’s goes right to my core.
But you can live without, you don’t “need” drugs or drink, none of it makes your life complete, none of it makes you a better person. My life isn’t less full now, my life isn’t empty, my life is better. My life has carried on, each day passes without meth in it, and then follows another day exactly the same. Each day passes, some good, some not so, but they do pass, and each day is further proof that I, and everyone like me, don’t need drugs.
Do I miss it ?, fuck yes of course I do, but that’s what addiction is.