One year on

As this week comes to an end, I remember it was this time last year that I stopped using drugs. Things have happened these past two weeks which have made me think, things in my life and the lives of people I care about, things that have helped me put my own current situation into perspective.

So I’d like to share a story if I may, it’s not a pleasant one, and it’s one I’ve not told anyone before, not even to my counsellor when I was having all those sessions. To those that follow my writing, you’ll know that sometimes I share things because I need to get them out, out into the open, to open the door in my mind that wants to stay closed. This is one of those stories, it’s now time I put it into words.

It was just over a year ago, my life was slipping through my fingers. Things were happening to me, bad things, I was losing everything, I could see everything I cared about disappearing before my eyes. At that point I had come close to taking my own life several times, my suicidal thoughts were so intense, I wouldn’t be exaggerating to say it was a daily battle to stop myself. One thing I had decided was that it wouldn’t be at home, that wouldn’t be right, well not until then.

I was home alone and high, extremely high, deliberately so because I knew what I was going to do, and maybe being so wasted would help me have the courage to do what I wanted to do. I had taken quite a cocktail of drugs, meth may have been my drug of choice, but other drugs were simply a chaser to the main consumption, the cheese on the biscuit.

I was talking to a guy on webcam, and he was encouraging me to hang myself, and I wanted to.

He was giving me instructions how to do it, I was following those instructions. All I’m gonna say about the actual method was that it failed. I remember lying on the floor with him shouting at me to try again, screaming at me to get up, I passed out.

When I came too he had gone, there was just a message on my screen telling me I shouldn’t have taken so much shit. For once in my life using way too much chemicals had saved me. That was close to the last time I used drugs, but not close to the last time I would want to end my life.

I seem to have told that story very briefly, I guess sometimes the fewer words I use the better.

I’m writing this because of something that was said on Thursday at the support group I go to, something that made me think about this, and made me alter my thinking about it, and where I am now in my life.

There have been people who helped me, people who’s job it was to keep me safe from myself. There have also been people who have helped because they want to, not because they have to. The guys at the support group have helped me stay off the drugs, they offer me a hand of friendship and a hug. Each and every one of them has their own problems, they’ve all dealt with so much shit and still do. We are a special group of people who have a bond in that we’ve all used substances and alcohol to prop up our lives. I have been welcomed into something very special.

In the last two weeks I have seen that I’m in fact one of the lucky ones, my substance abuse is in the past. I don’t use anymore, I could, and last week I came close to giving in, but those guys gave me the strength to decide not to. They all have so much strength that they are able to share some of it with me, I hope they can draw some strength from me as well.

I now need to go forward in my life remembering that I am lucky, I came out the other side of the darkest place, the consequences of my actions will affect me for the rest of my life but it’s how I live my life going forward that is important now. I need to try and make the most of every day I’m given. I need to try and remember everything now is a bonus.

I’m not putting this post on twitter, normally I do but not this time. This story and these words needed to come out but just for me, I may even just delete this post now it’s written – it needed to be written but not read. Of course I reserve the right to change my mind on that…….I’ll let what I’ve written just rest in my brain a little while.

Thank you guys, thank you for the hugs, the kind words, the strength, and thank you for the friendship. I love you all and I’ll see you next Thursday.

M

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