It’s getting worse

I need to get a grip of myself, I’m spiralling downwards, I know I need to stop it from happening but I don’t think I can.

I’m not craving drugs at all, it’s not that, it’s my state of mind. I don’t think I can cope, and I still have this horrible sense that something terrible is going to happen. Memories are haunting me, dark memories of what’s gone before. So I’ve taken the day off work and made an appointment to see my GP.

This has been going on for a few weeks now, the feelings that I’ve had bubbling away under the surface have been getting gradually worse, spilling over. Then it started to feel like it used to, my depression has once again become my comfort blanket. It’s a blanket that wraps around me, makes me feel warm, makes me feel good.

That may sound strange, why would such negative thoughts give me comfort? Others have tried to explain it to me, told me it’s all part of being mentally ill, pointed out that it’s because my bad thoughts become normal for me, they envelope me completely and the belief that I can be without them is subconsciously difficult for me to accept. Personally I still believe it’s simply a desire to wallow in my own shit, a self-centred need to live with drama, nothing more than a personality flaw, one that makes me thoroughly unpleasant to be around.

So maybe I’m just a cunt, I do believe I deserve everything that’s happened to me, I made so many mistakes, such bad fucking mistakes, but then bad people make bad mistakes.

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