I had my weekly counselling session on Monday, was a really good one. Helen helped me realise how I’ve changed over past weeks, I’m finally holding my head up more and trying to work out why things have been the way they have. I’ve gone from blubbing about it all, to actually thinking about why.
I’ve only got four sessions left of the twelve. She thinks I’m at a tipping point so she’s going to try and see if I can get some extra sessions tagged onto the end, rather than having to wait to apply for more.
I also opened up about how I’m scared of what will happen when the sessions end, and also when I start to come off The mirtazapine, I’m worried I might start to fall apart again, I’m worried I may turn to drugs again, the thought petrifies me, but I know how easily it could happen.
I’m worried I may end up being offered something, worried I may not have the will power to say no. So, and this isn’t easy for me to say, I’m going to try and get some help from someone specifically to deal with my drug issues.
She has said she will look at what is available, but I’m also having a look myself, this is me now trying to find the best outcome for myself. I need to admit I need more help, that my journey is still ongoing.
My life hasn’t been normal for some years, I struggle to remember what it was like, that scares me in a way, scares me I will fuck up again. It’s me admitting my drug problem is still an issue, even though I haven’t touched anything for five months.